WARNING: This post is just me venting. It is not positive, uplifting, or fun.
BLOG: Noun: an online diary; a personal chronological log if thoughts published on a web page.
Seeing as though a BLOG is an online "diary" I thought it would be a good place to share my feelings. Today I went to 2 baby showers. One for my friend Leah who will be having a little girl. Another for my friend Staci who will be having a little boy. Now, I have ALWAYS loved baby showers. I think they are so much fun! I love all of the cute little games that are played... no matter how cheesy they are. Let's admit... most baby shower games are! I also love to see the sheer joy/panic on the mommy-to-be's face as she opens her gifts. I say joy because the little things are so cute and fun. On the other hand I say panic because you can always see that little twinge of "wow... I am having a BABY..." You know... that feeling of what was I thinking! I also love all the talk of babies. I love discussions of names, and all the advice that is shared. I love every moment, and never want it to end!
Today I had totally different feelings and I feel like a horrible person. As all of you know last year was a really hard year for Andrew and I. We lost 2 little ones of our own. One in August and one in November. I'd have to say, there is nothing like losing a baby. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Not a day goes by that I don't think about our babies. I see pregnant women and cannot help but stare. I see newborns and my heart aches. As I sat in those two baby showers today I felt myself constantly bitting my tongue as to not let a single tear fall. I hope no one noticed.
I am very proud to say that I held myself together very well. I kept a smile on my face, participated in all games, and even helped with the gifts. I am not saying that I didn't want to be there... I did. I am SO HAPPY for Leah & Staci. I love them and support them, and cannot wait to meet their little ones, Maggie & Jason. I am grateful that I was invited and was able to share in the excitement.
I guess the feeling that I felt most was jealousy. How horrible am I?!?! I want that big belly (or at least an excuse for the one I've got!), I want crib sheets, and diapers, a swing, a crib, burp cloths, and clothes up the wazoo. I want that "pregnant glow" ... and most of all I want to meet the little ones that I know are waiting to come to join Andrew & I.
Ok.. I just needed to vent.
5 comments:
Oh, hon, I'm so sorry!
I quit going to baby showers. I truly am happy for my friends who are having babies... but it's too hard to see people who have what I have lost (and so disparately want).
Cut yourself some slack. Don't be afraid to tell people when it hurts.
You are not a horrible person! It's natural to feel this way after everything you've been through. I'm dealing with the same thing- it seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant and I am left out.
I'm so sorry to hear that. You were awesome being a good sport at the showers. The lessons I have learned over and over again in life are that the Lord's timing is everything and there are reasons for things. I know you probably don't want to hear that at all, especially maybe from me, but you will get those diapers and crib sheets someday; just hang on! Love ya!
I have learned in life and re-learned is that the Lord's timing is everything, there are reasons for things.
Elaine from Baby Products
Hey Suzanne! It is so weird because i was thinking of you today. The thought of you made me smile because you seem to always have a smile on your face! Then i see your post! I didnt even notice that you were sad at the showers. I loved hanging out with you and being in your presence. You are such a fun smiley person! Dont feel bad, jealousy is normal, hey I was even jealous and i have two little monsters of my own. Some day I will be jealous of you when your getting all of the new cute clothes and burb clothes! I love you suzanne!
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